The Time of Your Life
I heard this song on the radio today and it just called out to me�
Another turning point
a fork stuck in the road
I�m definitely at a bit of a turning point in my life at the moment. In May my course finishes, in June I have to move out of these halls which have been my home for the last four years and go live somewhere that at the moment I don�t know where it is. Then in July I will find out my final mark for my degree and have my graduation ceremony. After that I have to join the real world and become a proper grown up.
Time grabs you by the wrist
directs you where to go.
For all of this year I have been dreaded this week and last week because they represent to me three anniversary�s of things which I would rather had not happened. Wednesday last week was a year since I was officially diagnosed with depression. Tuesday this week was the first anniversary of Shanie�s death. Today� today is four years since Lianne another friend of mine died.
So make the best of this test and don't ask why,
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time,
For ages I�ve been unable to think about the fact that I will be graduating and leaving uni because I couldn�t cope with the idea that things wouldn�t be the same any more. Since Christmas though as I began to be upset more and more about the upcoming anniversaries I began to be able to view leaving uni as a positive thing and do things like getting some housing forms and joining the mentoring scheme, that might make it easier for me. I wouldn�t say I�m looking forward to leaving uni now, but I have accepted it and the thought doesn�t upset me or make me panic any more. I will get to do new things, meet new people, live in a new place. It will be great!
Still being on anti-depressants after being told I would only need them for six months is something I can accept now too. I know they have made a huge difference to me and that I�m a hell of a lot better than I was this time last year. I can enjoy life again a lot of time, I can laugh and I still cry but not so much� I�ve always been one to easily cry and now when I do it�s at times when it is normal for me to cry and I don�t have complete and utter breakdowns like I was having.
The anniversaries of my two friends deaths. Shanie�s was harder because I was closer to her of the two and it was such a shock as she was so well. Plus it only happened last year. I thought about her most of the day and I was sad but I wasn�t overly upset. Lianne, I woke up this morning and I knew what day it was, what it meant. I�ve gotten past being upset by her death, I still miss her but when I think of her I remember the good times, laughing in the taxi on the way to college and sitting eating lunch together chatting. I thought of Lianne and I just felt alive, I felt like the best way to mark this day was just to get on with my day. I felt alive like I haven�t since several months before my diagnosis with depression.
It�s amazing what a little time can do for how you feel!
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right
i hope you had the time of your life.
I have absolutely, completely and utterly, loved almost everyday and everything since I�ve been at uni. I have had the time of my life despite of the hardships and depression.
When both of my girls died (and every other person I�ve known who has died) it hurt like hell and I wished it hadn�t happened. When I was first diagnosed I wondered �why me?� When I first realised that CP is forever and I would never leave my wheelchair behind, I wondered �why me?� CP was the easiest of those to accept and I haven�t thought that about it in several years. The beginning of this week, I felt very calm,. I was surprised by how content and happy I was.
This morning I finally realised that I no longer think �why me?� about depression, I still wish my friends and loved ones hadn�t died, but I�ve accepted that they had to, it was their time. I�ve been able to accept that everything that happens to us, happens for a reason. I had to go thru this grief, this being upset by the things these last two weeks marked for me (and the things in the first place) because they represented lessons I needed to learn.
So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time,
Tattoos and memories of dead skin on trial
I will make the most of every moment I have left here in Stoke and I will be sad to leave. But I know now it�s not the end of the world, it�s just the beginning of another chapter of my life. Just like the loss of my loved ones taught me to treasure every moment I have with my friends, I will grow as a person because I have depression, I will make it thru the sadness I will have when I leave uni and come out the other side as a better person for it.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
If I hadn�t experienced those things I would be a different person, I wouldn�t be the girl that I sits here writing this today.
I�ve spoken before about how I believe carpe diem (Seize the Day) is the best tribute to those who have left us. But up until today I never realised how that didn�t mean doing everything, making the most of every opportunity and feeling like I�ve failed if I have a lazy day, or I�m feeling down. Those things are important but having a day like today, chatting to friends, watching a dvd in bed, sending e-mails, listening to music and chilling out. That�s not failure to seize the day, I�ve enjoyed every moment and had a really great day. And that is the best way to pay tribute, the best way to �seize the day.�
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life
It's something unpredictable,
but in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life
Lyrics in italics in this entry are from Greenday � Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)
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